Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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