if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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