I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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