I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
