Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(818): View more from California

It's like a parade of train wrecks.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We got so high we made milksteak

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(502): View more from Kentucky

If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles

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(701): View more from North Dakota

You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"

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(+61): View more from Australia

After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect

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