I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
