I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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