i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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