everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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