My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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