I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
