what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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