I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
