I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
