you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
