Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
