I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
