Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
