final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
