there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
