I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
