JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
