she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
