U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
