Have you finally orgasmed yet?
my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
