Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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