somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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