I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
