were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize