I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Me too!
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
