a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
