Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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