i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
