Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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