I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
