Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
