I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
