Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize