3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
