I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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