my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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