By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Watching her eat just hurts me
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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