Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
