addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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