I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
