oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
