she takes plan B like it's going out of style
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
