Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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