there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
