Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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