dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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