I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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