Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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