she takes plan B like it's going out of style
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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