He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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