got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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