ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
