Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I party with great urgency now.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
