i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
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