when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
