I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
