Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
