I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
