My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
