she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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