she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
